so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
