if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
