he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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