Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
