I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
