i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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