I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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