I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
