he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
