Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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