ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
