I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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