I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You can't just leave with hair like that
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
