She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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