I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
