It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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