I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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