even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
