just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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