Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
