I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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