i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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