he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
