I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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