I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
