Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
