On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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