Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
