There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
