I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
