every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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