You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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