Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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