Do you still have your period?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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