Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
