I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
