i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
