Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
