Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
