ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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