ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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