question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
