I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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