Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
