He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
