yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
