I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
