is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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