it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
