I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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