my phone needs a breathalizer
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
