someone threw a dead crab at me
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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