I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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