I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
