you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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