a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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