is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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