There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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