Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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