it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
