I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
